So, here's how the One-Day Calorie-Free Chocolate Diet Cleanse works: on Valentine's Day, a dieting holy day, we eat chocolate. As much and any kind we like. The trick is that with every bite of chocolate, you have to release some inner sadness/anger/resentment and all the emotional weight counteracts the caloric count of the chocolate and BOOM super skinny!
Let's be honest. Single or not, Valentine's Day is generally disappointing. Everyone has that moment of UGH sadness, even when we're happy in our relationships or whatever and we wind up binge eating chocolate and binge drinking wine (okay we do that last one all the time, today is just a socially acceptable excuse). Adding guilt to all those calories must count for extra weight, so the trick is to reverse it. Just be okay with the yucky day this is and enjoy the excuse for chocolate!
I personally had a little adventure tonight. Since I've been cooped up for over a week now with little to no human interaction, I've been going quite stir crazy. I can't write because my brain is like WOOO PAINKILLERS (this blog post has actually been more difficult than some of my college papers) and I've only recently been able to follow anything written with any remote amount of coherence. So, since I've reached what is a considerably higher level of functioning than earlier this week (I had an allergic reaction to my first pain meds which was super not fun) I decided to take my dog, Chloe, on a walk to the CVS that's a few blocks from my house.
As usual, I had absolutely no game plan. I was only like 18% confident I'd be able to find somewhere to tie her up when I got there, but I trekked out anyway. As kismet would have it, one of the workers was taking a cigarette break and when I asked her where I could tie my little pooch up, she said she could come in with me!! After that, the evening was on like a 90 degree incline to Funtown. We roamed the aisles of CVS and arbitrarily picked up anything my impulses could carry. She met as many friends as she could, and with no hesitation or fear of judgement, I headed to the counter with this:
So, Chloe and I then took the long way home (more or less in the hopes that the coffee shop would still be open, but alas, it was not) and went past 3 old ladies trying to move their car from a snowy spot on the road. "That one tire is just spinning!" one cried. The others looked dismayed as they tried to figure out how to move the car, and proceeded to continue sitting there pressing the gas. Since I have no filter, I shouted from across the street "Do you have cat litter? I read somewhere that putting cat litter under a spinning tire helps it get traction." They looked excited and hurried in to try this new trick out. I hope it worked. As I left, I thought proudly to myself, "It's so much more fine to say crazy cat lady things when you're walking your dog!"
I then got home and thought about how bummed I am that my boyfriend is working until 10pm tonight but how happy I am to have easy mac, ice cream, and chocolate, most of which I probably won't be able to eat since I can't actually open my mouth wide enough to put a piece of chocolate into it, but whatever. I still have Netflix.
Anyway, the moral of this story is to eat tons of chocolate because it scientifically doesn't count today and you can believe me on that. Don't fact check it though. I mean, what kind of world do we live in if you can't trust someone with absolutely no training in nutrition, but who has a really big heart and means well? A horrible one. Seriously.
