My Thigh Gap Hurts

So, part of being a good dieter is not only eating well (read: not binge eating because you're either bored or drunk) is also exercising.  Exercising is one of those things that when you think about doing it and talk to people who do it, it sounds great, but then you think about YOU doing it, and you're like LOL NAH (unless I get to be the chick with the 3lb weights).

Don't get me wrong - I'm relatively athletic, I played sports and stuff in high school, have good balance, am more or less to push through challenging tasks just because someone tells me to (until I think it through for too long), but I will make any excuse not to voluntarily put myself through anything physically strenuous.  Like any excuse.  Here are some of my more convincing ones:

• This bed is too warm (classic, and indisputable) 
• Oops.  I'm late.  In 20 minutes... (disputable, but only for a limited amount of time. Easily defeated by long winded debate or casually forgetting to say that out loud)
• I definitely won't have time to wash my hair and do the other things I want to do today, so I can't sweat today (hard to argue with as long as my gym partner isn't 100% privy to my schedule)
• My sister would rather have lunch and chat (no one is even bothering to dispute that)
• I don't have the right sports bra to match the right outfit (indisputable, because who would even try to reason with that?)

Anyway, my sister and I went to the gym to kick box like we do "every" Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  But, like always, we were late.  The Friday class fills up even faster than the other two, and by the time we arrived it was jam packed.  We looked at each other and were like ugh not worth trying to get in the middle of all these moms flailing around, so we figured we'd elliptical for a few minutes then go home.  My sister has a much better endurance/tolerance for exercise, so after about 15 minutes I was ready to call it quits and she was like let's do an ab circuit!  Begrudgingly, I complied.  Of course, Steph's work-out junkie boyfriend showed up right then and then put us to work on machines and stuff (doesn't he KNOW the only reason I even go to the gym is to justify all the super cute workout clothes I buy??).

Finally, I was like okay buddy, if you're gonna make me work here, you better get me a thigh gap.  Cuz, that's literally the only reason I would ever want to work this hard. 

The moral of the story is this: my thigh gap hurts. 

How to Diet during "That Time of the Month"

Yup. That about sums my whole life up right now (aka always).

Dieting during "that time of the month" is a very special and wonderful thing.  Not only does your body betray absolutely EVERYTHING you attempt to do to it (no amount of drinking water, eating non-salty/low-cal/healthy meals or exercise is gonna make that button on your jeans cinch), but your brain plays even cleverer mind tricks than usual (or your brain falls for the same tricks easier... it's impossible to tell which). 

In the past, this week has become a close-my-eyes-and-pretend-I'm-not-eating-this kind of week.  Calories really shouldn't count when your body is bloating for fun, anyway.  I also am of the school of thought that calories shouldn't count on the weekends, in the dark, when you're on vacation/abroad for any reason, when you're sick, when you're tired, when you're bored, when you're drinking, when you didn't enjoy your meal, and basically any time you're consuming calories.  They should double or triple count when you're exercising, just to even it all out, ya know? #logic #someonemakethathappen

They key to dieting during this horrible, horrible time is actually to focus on some of those healthier foods that are supposed to help with de-bloating and de-cramping: drink tons of water, eat dark chocolate, increase the fruits and veggies intake, and pile on the lean meats like chicken and turkey. 

BUT WHO WANTS TO DO THAT when you can lay on your couch all day, bingeing on Netflix, smearing Nutella in your face? NO ONE. Who even has that kind of will power anyway?  Especially on a snow day like today??

I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to doing everything you can to make yourself feel good, but not coming down too hard on yourself if you do slip up.  The fact is, you should probably avoid your scale at ALL COSTS no matter what (I swear I can put on like 20lbs of water weight during all this), and so as long as you get back on the train, this week basically doesn't even count.  Like Jillian Michaels says, treat a "slip up" or a "cheat" like a flat tire - if you lose one tire, you don't go slashing all the rest, right?  So let the one set back happen (at all points, not just this particularly female one) and get right back on the road....train tracks....whichever metaphor is most motivating. 

How To Survive Monday Maladies on a Diet

No one likes Mondays.  Mondays are the days we go back to work: we're sluggish and regretting our food choices from the weekend, we wish we had taken it a little easier (read: drank a little less), and suddenly that super cute pencil skirt is a little tight.  Mondays are basically the days of the "dressed-up-yoga pants" (read: this isn't a thing, get it together girl), so, Mondays on a diet are even worse than regular Mondays.  Mondays on a diet and I rival even Blair and Serena for #frenemiesoftheyear. Fortunately, my friend Amanda the diet and fashion guru has solved all of our Monday maladies!

Don't let your skin-tight-used-to-fit favorite jeans get ya down - if you want them to fit like a glove, wear 'em till they do!

We've all been there: sucking it all in just to stuff your used-to-be-thin legs into those pants just to realize that walking isn't happening.  Of course, that's about when your guy walks in and tells you how awesome your butt looks and "why don't you wear those more often?"  Well, here comes a day of shallow breathing, I guess.  Then you hit that perfect moment where your jeans stretch out juuuust the right amount that they are just loose enough to give you that model-worthy "boyfriend" look, and as you're about to strut your super hip (and comfy!!) look around the town, he turns and goes "why are your pants so baggy? You should get ones that fit better." UGH.  Trust me, though, you don't look anything like those models.. you look like you haven't washed your jeans in days because you're convinced that just because the label hasn't changed, the size hasn't either.  Time for some sit-ups and squats, fatty.

I mean, don't get me wrong.  I'm all about cheating myself into the smallest pants in my closet, but there comes a point where it's time to put down the cheesecake and convince yourself that you actually enjoy that burn you get from having your yoga instructor push you deeper into a pose because you've been doing it the lazy way the whole time.  It's definitely the best.

No bread, I'm out.

Woo! Weekend time, baby!  Who doesn't love spending a solid few days drinking and eating pizza to "soak up all the alcohol" and then eating waffles AND pancakes because we're hung over and WHO CAN EVER PICK BETWEEN THOSE ANYWAY!?!?!?

I'll tell ya who... people on a diet.  Ugh.  UGH.  #UGH

I mean I guess missing out on a few nights of boozing in order to fit into a bridesmaid's dress is worth it.. but did I mention UGH!?  I can't say if Kate Moss was on to anything when she said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," but did she know that includes BEER? And WINE?  And VODKA?  Don't they taste better than skinny?  Cuz let me tell you, when I'm tasting those things, I'm like PIZZA AND CHICKEN FINGERS AND MELTED CHEESE AND YUM and they DEFINITELY taste better than skinny feels in that moment!!

Even as I'm writing this, I'm like yeah yeah yeah okay so I know I always feel like crap the next day and that just makes me put more food into my face, but it tastes soooo good! #amiright?

Skinny feels great till I remember that carbs taste just SOO good.  In the wise words of @itskeets, "'THIS IS THE BEST!!! Wait what do you mean no bread, I'm out."

The key to a successful diet is pre-planning and organization

"You know what's totally happening tonight? Despite getting home well after dinner time, I'll cook myself a healthy and meager portioned meal," said no twenty-something on a diet ever.  Probably no one ever actually, except insanely motivated and self-controlled people, maybe.

So, one of the major components to maintaing a diet (aka starving yourself because you want to put your skinny jeans back on one day) is having a regular, easy-to-control schedule.  In theory, it's great. You just plan when you'll get home, make sure you always have a healthy snack in your purse in case you're running late so you don't starve and make bad decisions, and have a menu sorted out so you don't have the opportunity to make bad choices.

Again - great, wonderful, fantastic, meaningful advice, but let's get real... I'm about as socially unorganized as they come and have a HORRIBLE habit of not eating for like half a day till suddenly I'm STARVING and before I know it, an entire Pannera baguette has been dunked in the most amazing broccoli cheddar soup known to man and I'm happy as a clam... till my scale is like LOL HAI FATTY WHATCHU EVEN DOIN HERE???

Ugh.  Anyway, long story short, I didn't get home tonight till like 9:30, and of course I had Chinese food in had.  Steamed chicken, veggies, and brown rice albeit, and I did measure it all out and make sure I didn't eat too much chicken (god forbid, UGH) but there might have been a veggie roll in there that was fried instead of steamed BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO CORRECT A MISTAKE LIKE THAT! Seriously, who even does???

Anyway, the moral of this story is that I don't even remember why I wanna wear those jeans anyway.  I mean, the ones I have on fit just fine #amiright

I hate that boys can eat more than me

I mean, right?

So, my boyfriend is a workout health nut and has incredible self control and will power and basically lives his life constantly in control of his weight.  Usually, this is super cool because I can be like hey what can I substitute for this food or what workout will get rid of this fat or whatever BUT it super sucks when we eat and I'm dieting.

We'll be sitting there and I'm like nom nom nom on my chicken and brown rice and steamed veggies and he's like nom nom nom on his and I look over and he gets like 75% more food than I do.  Or, he comes home late from work or something and I've finished my meal and I'm just sitting there hanging out with our pets not hungry or anything because I'm awesome at WILL POWER until he gets food and eats it in front of me and I'm just like

...and it's so not fair.

Today went super well though because his mom came over and helped me put away all my Christmas decorations and she came before lunch and stayed till I had to go to work at 6, so I basically forgot to eat like two whole meals and therefore saved like 800 calories for the day.  High five for distracted dieting!  If only I wasn't still hungry, but hey that's what TV is for, right?

Diets Make Me LOL

Happy New Year! Time to be a better (aka thinner) you! Fortunately, this happens after you've spent 2 months nomming every yummy thing you've seen and your scale is like HAI fatty, do I know you?

So what do we do? DIET!  To clarify:

Diet (n.): the act of removing all delicious food from your fridge/cabinets/speed dial/bedside table/face and suffering till the sun goes down and you look like

Diet (v.): staring at your mirror poking all the yucky things until you almost believe that Mac and Cheese so isn't worth it till the sun goes down and you look like 

Dieter (n.): the crabby version of a person who keeps going to the gym and eating things like vegetables (till the sun goes down and you look like)

No but seriously dieting is good for you. It makes you look skinny, feel skinny, look healthy, feel healthy.. Blah blah. 

It's roughest on Day 1, they say. Well, hello Day 1.