How to Get a Thigh Gap in Less than 30 Seconds

So, as the Internet has shoved down all of our throats, THIGH GAPS MATTER! THIGH GAPS ARE SUPER SEXY AND NECESSARY AND AMAZING AND OTHER IMPORTANT, POSITIVE ADJECTIVES!  The reality, though, is that thigh gaps are only trendy because they are biologically impossible for most normal women who aren't able to starve themselves to near-starving-child-in-Africa status (except for those of us who live in the world of Photoshop or cartoon self-images).  The secret, though, is that thigh gaps are super easy to get.  Ready?  Watch carefully:

DID YOU CATCH THAT!?  Okay, look again:

Genius, right?  No, but really. I declare war on thigh gaps.. why can't we all aspire to be more like things that make us happy?  Like ice cream - we should all aspire to be like ice cream... and Jennifer Lawrence.

Diet Like a Star, Oscar Style!

Hey guys - sorry it's been a while since my last post.  I've been incredibly busy.  I've been battling traumatic snow storms:

Diligently writing:

And sticking to my diet like a pro:

The most exciting thing I've been doing, of course, is attending the Oscars.  Because my blog is so amazing/famous, LA called me directly and BEGGED me to come sit front row with the Oscar winners.  It was actually at the direct request of Ellen, because she knows that I'm the foremost authority on healthy eating and she had already planned on calling the pizza boy.  Other than Jennifer Lawrence, there really isn't anyone out there who can publicly eat pizza with as much grace as I can.  It's something you're born with, though, so try not to be jealous.  Here's my personal favorite snapshot from the event, wherein J Law and I chow down on some extremely healthy, Oscar-star-worthy pizza:

Look at Bradley eying my za wishing he could be so cool.  Meryl is telling me a joke but I'm a little consumed with pizza to listen.. how embarrassing!

The secret to having an Oscar-winning figure while still eating pizza is simple.  All you have to do is either balance your calories and indulge with free will during your "cheat" days, or to be a cartoon stick figure  - calories NEVER count when you're drawn, especially at the Oscars.  

Some interesting things happened that night, but I don't remember most of them.  The pizza was a highlight, as was John Travolta's slip of the tongue, the selfie that broke Twitter, and Ellen's many costume changes. I think the biggest win of the night, though, was being able to watch all those celebs eat pizza without holding back and proving to the world that calories really only count when no one is watching. 

Valentine's Day Edition: One-Day Calorie-Free Chocolate Diet Cleanse

GUYS.  I read this study written by some super accredited university very recently and it did all this legit research and discovered this really healthy One-Day Calorie-Free Chocolate Diet Cleanse.  This is 100% accurate and true.

So, here's how the One-Day Calorie-Free Chocolate Diet Cleanse works: on Valentine's Day, a dieting holy day, we eat chocolate.  As much and any kind we like.  The trick is that with every bite of chocolate, you have to release some inner sadness/anger/resentment and all the emotional weight counteracts the caloric count of the chocolate and BOOM super skinny!

Let's be honest.  Single or not, Valentine's Day is generally disappointing.  Everyone has that moment of UGH sadness, even when we're happy in our relationships or whatever and we wind up binge eating chocolate and binge drinking wine (okay we do that last one all the time, today is just a socially acceptable excuse).  Adding guilt to all those calories must count for extra weight, so the trick is to reverse it.  Just be okay with the yucky day this is and enjoy the excuse for chocolate!

I personally had a little adventure tonight.  Since I've been cooped up for over a week now with little to no human interaction, I've been going quite stir crazy.  I can't write because my brain is like WOOO PAINKILLERS (this blog post has actually been more difficult than some of my college papers) and I've only recently been able to follow anything written with any remote amount of coherence.  So, since I've reached what is a considerably higher level of functioning than earlier this week (I had an allergic reaction to my first pain meds which was super not fun) I decided to take my dog, Chloe, on a walk to the CVS that's a few blocks from my house.

As usual, I had absolutely no game plan.  I was only like 18% confident I'd be able to find somewhere to tie her up when I got there, but I trekked out anyway.  As kismet would have it, one of the workers was taking a cigarette break and when I asked her where I could tie my little pooch up, she said she could come in with me!! After that, the evening was on like a 90 degree incline to Funtown.  We roamed the aisles of CVS and arbitrarily picked up anything my impulses could carry.  She met as many friends as she could, and with no hesitation or fear of judgement, I headed to the counter with this:

I'm actually a little disappointed I didn't even get a judgmental look or a "Oh, are you alone tonight?" from the cashier cuz this is really single-girl-sad. I was going to answer: "No, these are for my girlfriend.  She's working late tonight," but never got the chance because the lady didn't care.  It's hard being narcissistic sometimes.

So, Chloe and I then took the long way home (more or less in the hopes that the coffee shop would still be open, but alas, it was not) and went past 3 old ladies trying to move their car from a snowy spot on the road.  "That one tire is just spinning!" one cried.  The others looked dismayed as they tried to figure out how to move the car, and proceeded to continue sitting there pressing the gas.  Since I have no filter, I shouted from across the street "Do you have cat litter?  I read somewhere that putting cat litter under a spinning tire helps it get traction."  They looked excited and hurried in to try this new trick out.  I hope it worked.  As I left, I thought proudly to myself, "It's so much more fine to say crazy cat lady things when you're walking your dog!"

I then got home and thought about how bummed I am that my boyfriend is working until 10pm tonight but how happy I am to have easy mac, ice cream, and chocolate, most of which I probably won't be able to eat since I can't actually open my mouth wide enough to put a piece of chocolate into it, but whatever.  I still have Netflix.

Anyway, the moral of this story is to eat tons of chocolate because it scientifically doesn't count today and you can believe me on that.  Don't fact check it though.  I mean, what kind of world do we live in if you can't trust someone with absolutely no training in nutrition, but who has a really big heart and means well?  A horrible one.  Seriously.

How To Diet With Less Teeth

Who is that stunningly attractive chipmunk/human mix, you might be asking yourself?  This girl is the genius of diets and losing weight, so has she finally figured out what cheeks are REALLY for!? (read: hoarding food to save for later).  Alas, no.  I am good, but I am not good.  While I wish I could say that this cover-shoot-level photo is of me doing something hilarious and/or brilliant, it's actually just my swollen face after having 4 teeth yanked from it. 

The upside of all the tooth yanking is that I can't eat solid food and have moved to a mush-and-liquid diet.  Basically, I only eat soup, apple sauce, oatmeal, ice cream, and mac and cheese, so I'm living the life.  I get to throw temper tantrums and make people bring me food and, because pain meds are glorious in all ways, I only want to eat like half of a normal serving (note: normal servings are about one bajillionth smaller than a Laura serving), and therefore I predict myself losing tons of weight and becoming super skinny and beautiful.  It all seems realistic.  I mean, what other reason would I have for letting some strange man violently rip 4 teeth I couldn't even feel from my face?

I feel like teeth just get in the way of dieting, really.  I mean without teeth, you can't eat pizza or bagels or chips or any of that fattening food.  So, if we all had fewer teeth/no teeth, we'd all be super skinny and beautiful, like this lady:  

I don't know.  Writing is harder with a swollen face.  I'll let you guys know how it winds up going after the puffing goes down, which might not be till mid week (UGH).  Prediction: as soon as my mouth stops hurting I justify eating way more junk food than I should since I spent the whole weekend not eating it and any weight I lose is for naught.

Why People Should Shut Up About Rachel from The Biggest Loser's Win

Ooooookay.  I'm opening myself up to backlash, I'm sure, but let's all just chill the hell out and get real here for a second.  I'm talking about how everyone on the internet is suddenly calling Rachel from The Biggest Loser "skeletal" and "unhealthy."  To preface this, I don't watch the show and have really only passed my personal judgements based on the recent news, so if there is some major gap in my knowledge, please let me know.  Otherwise, every single article I've read on the internet seems unreasonably angry ("concerned" as I'm sure they'd put it) and wrong.

So, first off, for those of you who have better things to do with your time than watch The Biggest Loser (aka we're too busy watching New Girl), here's what happened: Last night, the most recent season came to a close with a girl, Rachel, winning.  She came into the competition at 5'4 and 260lbs.  She lost 155lbs (losing 59.62% of her original weight), bringing her down to 105lbs.  Here is the before and after:


And in her weigh-in clothes:


Immediately, because the internet is full of self-rigeous, hypocritical morons, everyone started acting super concerned for her health and criticizing how drastic her loss was.  Even Mama Jillian Michaels looked stunned when Rachel came onto stage:

Now, I'm not trying to say that I think she looks healthy or not, but I am definitely trying to say she doesn't look UNHEALTHY.  Especially by today's standards of "you aren't skinny unless your jeans don't even contain numbers for sizes" mentality.

But SERIOUSLY! COME ON!  REALLY INTERNET!? If someone offered you $250,000 to lose as much weight as you possibly could and then trained you and put you through public weigh-ins, wouldn't you do everything possible to win?  Don't even answer me because I KNOW YOU WOULD.  I'm the first to be like I'm all about looking healthy but DAMN that low number sounds appealing.  Who isn't?  I'm just so frustrated that as a society we put so much pressure on people to be skinny but have no problem reaming anyone that actually manages to live up to the impossible pressures... epecially after what must have been years of fat-shaming for this girl.

Honestly, no matter what you people who "know" health and fitness say (and yes, I'm talking to you if you think I'm talking to you), the fact is that this girl was handed a challenge and she achieved it.  If that is such a problem, then we need to reevaluate what our culture calls "beautiful" and possibly the rules of this show (why not have a nutrition expert set a goal weight and have the winner be who comes closest? Then we don't have to worry about pressuring people to risk their health for money, fame, happiness, BLAH BLAH SOCIETAL GOALS BLAH). 

Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that we should all hold hands, sing kumbayah, and stuff our faces with chocolate chip cookies because they're more delicious than going to the gym.  Seriously, how are people not more impressed that she friggin gave up chocolate chip cookies and worked out hard enough to lose 155lbs!?!?!  

Cuz in my life, whenever anyone is like:

I'm like:

My Thigh Gap Hurts

So, part of being a good dieter is not only eating well (read: not binge eating because you're either bored or drunk) is also exercising.  Exercising is one of those things that when you think about doing it and talk to people who do it, it sounds great, but then you think about YOU doing it, and you're like LOL NAH (unless I get to be the chick with the 3lb weights).

Don't get me wrong - I'm relatively athletic, I played sports and stuff in high school, have good balance, am more or less to push through challenging tasks just because someone tells me to (until I think it through for too long), but I will make any excuse not to voluntarily put myself through anything physically strenuous.  Like any excuse.  Here are some of my more convincing ones:

• This bed is too warm (classic, and indisputable) 
• Oops.  I'm late.  In 20 minutes... (disputable, but only for a limited amount of time. Easily defeated by long winded debate or casually forgetting to say that out loud)
• I definitely won't have time to wash my hair and do the other things I want to do today, so I can't sweat today (hard to argue with as long as my gym partner isn't 100% privy to my schedule)
• My sister would rather have lunch and chat (no one is even bothering to dispute that)
• I don't have the right sports bra to match the right outfit (indisputable, because who would even try to reason with that?)

Anyway, my sister and I went to the gym to kick box like we do "every" Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  But, like always, we were late.  The Friday class fills up even faster than the other two, and by the time we arrived it was jam packed.  We looked at each other and were like ugh not worth trying to get in the middle of all these moms flailing around, so we figured we'd elliptical for a few minutes then go home.  My sister has a much better endurance/tolerance for exercise, so after about 15 minutes I was ready to call it quits and she was like let's do an ab circuit!  Begrudgingly, I complied.  Of course, Steph's work-out junkie boyfriend showed up right then and then put us to work on machines and stuff (doesn't he KNOW the only reason I even go to the gym is to justify all the super cute workout clothes I buy??).

Finally, I was like okay buddy, if you're gonna make me work here, you better get me a thigh gap.  Cuz, that's literally the only reason I would ever want to work this hard. 

The moral of the story is this: my thigh gap hurts. 

How to Diet during "That Time of the Month"

Yup. That about sums my whole life up right now (aka always).

Dieting during "that time of the month" is a very special and wonderful thing.  Not only does your body betray absolutely EVERYTHING you attempt to do to it (no amount of drinking water, eating non-salty/low-cal/healthy meals or exercise is gonna make that button on your jeans cinch), but your brain plays even cleverer mind tricks than usual (or your brain falls for the same tricks easier... it's impossible to tell which). 

In the past, this week has become a close-my-eyes-and-pretend-I'm-not-eating-this kind of week.  Calories really shouldn't count when your body is bloating for fun, anyway.  I also am of the school of thought that calories shouldn't count on the weekends, in the dark, when you're on vacation/abroad for any reason, when you're sick, when you're tired, when you're bored, when you're drinking, when you didn't enjoy your meal, and basically any time you're consuming calories.  They should double or triple count when you're exercising, just to even it all out, ya know? #logic #someonemakethathappen

They key to dieting during this horrible, horrible time is actually to focus on some of those healthier foods that are supposed to help with de-bloating and de-cramping: drink tons of water, eat dark chocolate, increase the fruits and veggies intake, and pile on the lean meats like chicken and turkey. 

BUT WHO WANTS TO DO THAT when you can lay on your couch all day, bingeing on Netflix, smearing Nutella in your face? NO ONE. Who even has that kind of will power anyway?  Especially on a snow day like today??

I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to doing everything you can to make yourself feel good, but not coming down too hard on yourself if you do slip up.  The fact is, you should probably avoid your scale at ALL COSTS no matter what (I swear I can put on like 20lbs of water weight during all this), and so as long as you get back on the train, this week basically doesn't even count.  Like Jillian Michaels says, treat a "slip up" or a "cheat" like a flat tire - if you lose one tire, you don't go slashing all the rest, right?  So let the one set back happen (at all points, not just this particularly female one) and get right back on the road....train tracks....whichever metaphor is most motivating. 

How To Survive Monday Maladies on a Diet

No one likes Mondays.  Mondays are the days we go back to work: we're sluggish and regretting our food choices from the weekend, we wish we had taken it a little easier (read: drank a little less), and suddenly that super cute pencil skirt is a little tight.  Mondays are basically the days of the "dressed-up-yoga pants" (read: this isn't a thing, get it together girl), so, Mondays on a diet are even worse than regular Mondays.  Mondays on a diet and I rival even Blair and Serena for #frenemiesoftheyear. Fortunately, my friend Amanda the diet and fashion guru has solved all of our Monday maladies!

Don't let your skin-tight-used-to-fit favorite jeans get ya down - if you want them to fit like a glove, wear 'em till they do!

We've all been there: sucking it all in just to stuff your used-to-be-thin legs into those pants just to realize that walking isn't happening.  Of course, that's about when your guy walks in and tells you how awesome your butt looks and "why don't you wear those more often?"  Well, here comes a day of shallow breathing, I guess.  Then you hit that perfect moment where your jeans stretch out juuuust the right amount that they are just loose enough to give you that model-worthy "boyfriend" look, and as you're about to strut your super hip (and comfy!!) look around the town, he turns and goes "why are your pants so baggy? You should get ones that fit better." UGH.  Trust me, though, you don't look anything like those models.. you look like you haven't washed your jeans in days because you're convinced that just because the label hasn't changed, the size hasn't either.  Time for some sit-ups and squats, fatty.

I mean, don't get me wrong.  I'm all about cheating myself into the smallest pants in my closet, but there comes a point where it's time to put down the cheesecake and convince yourself that you actually enjoy that burn you get from having your yoga instructor push you deeper into a pose because you've been doing it the lazy way the whole time.  It's definitely the best.

No bread, I'm out.

Woo! Weekend time, baby!  Who doesn't love spending a solid few days drinking and eating pizza to "soak up all the alcohol" and then eating waffles AND pancakes because we're hung over and WHO CAN EVER PICK BETWEEN THOSE ANYWAY!?!?!?

I'll tell ya who... people on a diet.  Ugh.  UGH.  #UGH

I mean I guess missing out on a few nights of boozing in order to fit into a bridesmaid's dress is worth it.. but did I mention UGH!?  I can't say if Kate Moss was on to anything when she said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," but did she know that includes BEER? And WINE?  And VODKA?  Don't they taste better than skinny?  Cuz let me tell you, when I'm tasting those things, I'm like PIZZA AND CHICKEN FINGERS AND MELTED CHEESE AND YUM and they DEFINITELY taste better than skinny feels in that moment!!

Even as I'm writing this, I'm like yeah yeah yeah okay so I know I always feel like crap the next day and that just makes me put more food into my face, but it tastes soooo good! #amiright?

Skinny feels great till I remember that carbs taste just SOO good.  In the wise words of @itskeets, "'THIS IS THE BEST!!! Wait what do you mean no bread, I'm out."

The key to a successful diet is pre-planning and organization

"You know what's totally happening tonight? Despite getting home well after dinner time, I'll cook myself a healthy and meager portioned meal," said no twenty-something on a diet ever.  Probably no one ever actually, except insanely motivated and self-controlled people, maybe.

So, one of the major components to maintaing a diet (aka starving yourself because you want to put your skinny jeans back on one day) is having a regular, easy-to-control schedule.  In theory, it's great. You just plan when you'll get home, make sure you always have a healthy snack in your purse in case you're running late so you don't starve and make bad decisions, and have a menu sorted out so you don't have the opportunity to make bad choices.

Again - great, wonderful, fantastic, meaningful advice, but let's get real... I'm about as socially unorganized as they come and have a HORRIBLE habit of not eating for like half a day till suddenly I'm STARVING and before I know it, an entire Pannera baguette has been dunked in the most amazing broccoli cheddar soup known to man and I'm happy as a clam... till my scale is like LOL HAI FATTY WHATCHU EVEN DOIN HERE???

Ugh.  Anyway, long story short, I didn't get home tonight till like 9:30, and of course I had Chinese food in had.  Steamed chicken, veggies, and brown rice albeit, and I did measure it all out and make sure I didn't eat too much chicken (god forbid, UGH) but there might have been a veggie roll in there that was fried instead of steamed BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO CORRECT A MISTAKE LIKE THAT! Seriously, who even does???

Anyway, the moral of this story is that I don't even remember why I wanna wear those jeans anyway.  I mean, the ones I have on fit just fine #amiright

I hate that boys can eat more than me

I mean, right?

So, my boyfriend is a workout health nut and has incredible self control and will power and basically lives his life constantly in control of his weight.  Usually, this is super cool because I can be like hey what can I substitute for this food or what workout will get rid of this fat or whatever BUT it super sucks when we eat and I'm dieting.

We'll be sitting there and I'm like nom nom nom on my chicken and brown rice and steamed veggies and he's like nom nom nom on his and I look over and he gets like 75% more food than I do.  Or, he comes home late from work or something and I've finished my meal and I'm just sitting there hanging out with our pets not hungry or anything because I'm awesome at WILL POWER until he gets food and eats it in front of me and I'm just like

...and it's so not fair.

Today went super well though because his mom came over and helped me put away all my Christmas decorations and she came before lunch and stayed till I had to go to work at 6, so I basically forgot to eat like two whole meals and therefore saved like 800 calories for the day.  High five for distracted dieting!  If only I wasn't still hungry, but hey that's what TV is for, right?

Diets Make Me LOL

Happy New Year! Time to be a better (aka thinner) you! Fortunately, this happens after you've spent 2 months nomming every yummy thing you've seen and your scale is like HAI fatty, do I know you?

So what do we do? DIET!  To clarify:

Diet (n.): the act of removing all delicious food from your fridge/cabinets/speed dial/bedside table/face and suffering till the sun goes down and you look like

Diet (v.): staring at your mirror poking all the yucky things until you almost believe that Mac and Cheese so isn't worth it till the sun goes down and you look like 

Dieter (n.): the crabby version of a person who keeps going to the gym and eating things like vegetables (till the sun goes down and you look like)

No but seriously dieting is good for you. It makes you look skinny, feel skinny, look healthy, feel healthy.. Blah blah. 

It's roughest on Day 1, they say. Well, hello Day 1.